What is this feeling? Is it a feelings or lack of a feeling? No. It’s definitely a feeling. It’s beautiful.
Usually when I sit to write or when an idea creeps its way into my mind I spill it. Words rush out my brain like blood streaming from a fresh wound. Often times it feels exactly like this. Like I’m spilling my guts. Bleeding fresh and painful crimson words onto the page.
But content? What is this… It feels almost uninspiring. Anticlimactic. Flat.
You might be thinking… What? You moved to a country for a year where you don’t even know the language. Broke up with your partner of 8.5 years and are now navigating a new country and the new world of dating.
How is your current feeling the dull color of content?
Or maybe you’re thinking— What about that time you accidentally kissed your co-worker on the mouth instead of the cheek? What about the feeling of embarrassment? O wait… haven’t told that story yet. Another story for another blog post when I change over to comedic writing.
I discovered last night that content is indeed not dull but a magnificent color. It’s so bright and alluring that you almost have to shield your eyes from its majestic beautiful.
I came in contact with someone who radiated with this beautiful color of content. And let me tell you it was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in all my 6 months in Guatemala.
The two of us had a girl’s night. We sat at one of my favorite nighttime cafes in Xela, El Cuartito– little room. And though it is actually quite big the ambience makes it feel intimate and cozy. The little rickety wooden tables we sit at delicately bump one another as we readjust our posture kicking the table legs. The wine bottles that hold white taper candles illuminate a green haze over the wooden surface. Candlelight files this little room- a fireman’s worst nightmare.
We talk about many things. How beautiful these candles are and how we wish we had them in our rooms. How our pasts have informed our present. How we are questioning the way in which we hope to move through our current worlds. How Xela has changed us.
She tells me she is different. I have noticed this. She walks with a certain lightness. She stands taller though she holds the same posture as when I first met her. It may have been the candles but she looks angelic. Her smile and her presence light up the room more than the candles themselves. She introduces me to her inspirational texts. She tells me how she is rediscovering her body and what it means to radically love oneself. How she is treating herself with the love and respect she always wished too but that was lost in a sea of shallow rich kids at a private university.
As I sat to write in my private journal I thought about that night and my current emotional state. I sit for a moment. Is this what this feelings is like? Am I too rediscovering my body, my spirit and my passions? Do I radiate with the same beautiful color of content. And by content I do not mean complacency or numbness. But content. In my body. In my sadness. In my joy. In my messiness. In all my choices. In this very present moment.
In this moment yes.
But trust me when I say this is most likely a pleasant but impermanent state. And I accept that fact, but for today I am proud to be content given the ups and downs of this 6 month journey in Guatemala.
And to my content friend. Thank you for introducing me to this beautiful color.
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu
photo credit: Flash Bros